Just need a bit of advice, my Mrs and I don't now where to turn next. We've been together now for almost 6 months and our relationship is going really well. Her name is Amy and she has 3 kids a boy 12, and 2 girls 15 and 17. I have 2 girls the youngest is 3 and the oldest 9. We all get on well except for her 15 year old daughter, and this is where we need some help. Amy's oldest and youngest are great kids and a credit to her but the middle one is just a nightmare. Her behaviour is appalling, she has a curfew for 10:00 on school nights and 10:30 on weekends and holidays, which we know is very lenient. But she is always late coming in so Amy has stared to ground her but her daughter ignores the grounding, she comes home from school and goes straight out before Amy gets in from work and comes in at around 11:00. About a month ago she wanted to go to a party and stay out all night, Amy said no way so her daughter went mental, she trashed the house and threatened Amy. Then stormed out of the house and came back at 4am the next day. She is also very rude, abusive and a bully towards Amy. She has a 17year old boyfriend and I suspect he has something to do with her behaviour but obviously I cant prove that. She refuses to get up to go to school and then when she finally does get up she is so slow getting ready so it causes her brother to be late for school too, but she just doesn't care. This morning she just wouldn't get up at all so Amy had to leave her at home. Until about 2 weeks ago I wouldn't say anything to her, I would let Amy do her thing. But I had a go at her I just told her a few truths, I didn't raise my voice or was rude. It didn't make matters worse but it hasn't improved her behaviour either. I wasn't expecting it to. Then last week She decided that she wants to go live with her father, Amy is happy with her going as the atmosphere at Amy's is very bad and it would be a break from her behaviour, but her father doesn't want her to live with him and he told her she cant live with her Nan either, but she has told her father that living at her mothers is unbearable, that I always have a go at her and her mother is always on her case. Naturally her father has taken her side he says he has concerns about what's happening at home and he is going to look in to, and that if I continue he will have to meet me about it. I'm not concerned by this and this isn't the reason for this post. And he's only saying these things to threaten Amy. Amy's ex was very violent and abusive to her and it looks like the middle child is just like him. Since Amy's daughter has talked to her father she has got worse, she thinks now that what ever happens her father has her back, hence not going to school today. She basically told Amy she cant do anything. When ever she doesn't want to do something she just says you cant make me and demands to know why she should, when Amy tells why she laughs and says so what. If Amy puts her foot down her daughter get violent and abusive. Then she says she just wants to move out and wants Amy to explain why she cant just go live where ever she wants. I don't want to say anything and get invloved and make things worse for Amy but hate watching Amy suffer like this. Due to Amy being treated so badly she's obviously nervous and her daughters behaviour is making her ill. So basically if anyone has any advice, maybe if someone works for Social Services or something a long those lines or if someone has gone through something similar and they could give advice then that would be great. I don't know what I can do to help her, I support her where I can but really want to help in some way. Thanks for reading.
Lots of people go through it mate! Some kids grow out of it some don't it appears to be a learnt behaviour from somewhere maybe the ex? As for helping you no idea. But idy start calling the police if she doesn't come home all night as the behaviour could be other things including pressure from her 17 year old boyfriend and perhaps on a more sinister case CSE is sometimes the cause of that sort of behaviour.
I'd be looking for drugs personally! You can also get an anti molestation order from the police (sounds worse than it is!) Against the boyfriend which will prevent him from seeing her. The order is to do with people taking away minors without the consent of the guardian, may come in handy if she's always breaking her curfew due to her boyfriend?
Blimey not good, sorry for your predicament. IMHO.... (I'm no expert, just a father of two) But really next time she gets out or control/abusive/violent phone the cops man, last thing you want is someone pointing fingers at you saying you are the abusive one etc.... If she was an adult and male I'd kick her out the house and not put up with any shit, but my approach to fathering is a tad old school. Its good to talk as well, when she isn't blowing up all over the place, maybe there are other underlying issues, having a father who doesn't want to look after their own child may be difficult for her to understand/comprehend. Kids must learn to respect their parents, if indeed they also want to be respected in life. Good Luck, I wonder if some sort of councillor or child psychologist could help you? Just my thoughts, no offence intended to anyone.
Also if she's not listening to being grounded can you not take away any of her stuff? I.e. say your being fined by the school for non attendance, so to pay it you've got to sell her laptop etc??
Amy has already taken her contract from her phone and given her a pay as you go sim and stopped her pocket money, she doesn't have bus fair now either, she has to walk home (its not far) and packed lunch. So she has no money available to her. Amy had a meeting in school with her daughters head of year and they are getting her on a behaviour and aggression course. She is a very clever girl she's been predicted straight A's and she's always been anti drug, but a lot of her friends and her boyfriend take drugs so it could be drug related. Thanks for your help and support guys.
Take her for a drive around the Brecon Beacons, scare the shit out of her then threaten to take her round again unless she improves her behavior? My little sister was a rat from about the age of 13-15. She really pissed me off all the time then she grew up almost overnight and now we get along very well.
If the 17 yo sister is a good kid, can't she try and talk some sense into her? Just an idea. What about the nan, does she listen to her? Difficult one mate - I feel for you.
Sit her down, talk to her. Look for Saturday/weekend/weeknight job doing something hair & Beautty something she might take interest in. Get her attention and tell her that you've been there before in that situation and that's why your advising her not to waste short period of her life trying to be someone she's not: We all go through phases drinks/drugs blah blah blah, you can't turn your backs on her though, it could get worse. 10.30 pm is quite late and to be on pay as you go, doesn't quite sit right if she runs out of credit. Think of her safety. Hope you can sort it out mate.
Sorry to hear all this, a nightmare.Feel for you. Be careful some accusation doesn't fall on you at any time if she is hurt and want's to get you in trouble. To that end I would seek advice from a family welfare solicitor and make them aware of the situation incase you need to refer back, they will advise if you should also make the police aware incase of any future events. You could consider moving your family out for a breather period incase your kids get drawn into/ influenced by her.This will be hard but could help long-term. Should ABH occur then police have to be called. Sooner or later some catalyst will be needed to make her realise how this will escalate. Drugs could be involved and a drugs test may be necessary.
Andy_c, I can't really give you any advice, but just let you know that I too feel for you, a very difficult time for all of you, it will pass.
i can kind of relate to this as my missus had 4 kids when we got together, 14, 13, 9, 3 the 13/14 stayed with there dad and the two youngest went with her to live with me, all was fine for a few years but as 3 was growing up and turning into a little shit it got worse "your not my dad you cant tell me what to do" ect ect what worked i had a few police mates and got one to say hi, you been good ect john will tell me if you havent and when he kicked off i would drive him to the cop shop nearly dragging him in crying but not quite getting in after 3 time and it worked he stopped being a shit and is now in the RAF i know it wont work with your girl as she will be more street wise but do you have any police friends that could "have a quiet word" ie i can smell weed ect ect just to put the fear there
This sounds quite similar to my youngest sister. Between the ages of 13 through to 16 (last year) she made my Mum's life hell with her behaviour. Bunking off school, getting involved in the wrong crowds, causing problems at my Mum's house. Constant stand up fights, smashed crockery, police called. Luckily she has a top notch older brother to sort her out! In seriousness, I didn't know how we were going to stop her going more and more mental, but I guess she just grew up. Moving away from comp and going to college with a different friend group definitely helped. Best of luck though mate, it tends to work itself out when they're threatened with the prospects of being kicked out of home and ending up with no qualifications!
Thanks for all the advice guys its really helped. A friend of our who is a Child Welfare Officer had a word with her, I'm not sure what has been said but for the last few days there has been a vast improvement, she's even been holding conversations with me. Amy did say that her behaviour is starting to slip again today so we are hoping that today is just a glitch. Thanks again for your help, support and advice guys.
I had a similar situation with my stepson whos now 17 but when he was 15 he went through a phase. To be fair his dad had messed his head up and you'll have to remember they probably have had a tough time too with a split and a violent dad. My step son has now changed his name to my surname as I married his mum and is a great 17 yr old lad who is doing well and a credit to his mum and very respectful for me etc. Stick with it she'll be immature trying to be a grown up and being a brat by the sounds of it but going too far may push her away from you if you get me
